Uncomfortable at start

I am a fortress,
black, solid, unbroken basalt,
cloaked in shrouds of gray,
foreboding, menacing,
encroaching, solemn and threatening,
I am a testament,
to those who built me,
caused me, shaped me,
and built me to stay,
to the years that had been my refinement,
not merely my past,
Those who dwell inside me,
by force, by habit, or for mere safety,
must calculate, must wait, and never sway,
must not only hold my walls,
but also believe in them, mend them,
and shore them,
You,
must walk my labyrinthine paths,
must guard my gates,
and at the ready array,
must keep the vigil, watch the fields,
and hold no lie,

only then, might the inner hearth be revealed,
a warm fire will be lit,
you will find a chair that would fit,
and in there you would reside,
ultimately hide,
and in you this mighty fortress would confide.

28th April 2009

forsight

Too close ..
too close ,
too damned hurting bleeding close
too much of the same,
your pain resonates with mine ...
inflames it into a blazing fury, gnawing at my armor from the inside, turning the beast loose.
this I cannot allow .
I fought too long to barely mute mine, I can't make it go away, I merely mute it .. tone it down into something that could periodically be ignored, and grant me moments of precious rest.
I have been in this cycle for far longer than you have been, I know exactly how you feel, I know precisely what you face, I know, I have lived and ached through the pitfalls that await you, every single one of them, every poisonous thorn, cut, slash and ache that you face, I have been through , over and over and over thrithe times your journey was mine, forgive me if I cannot bare no more, I must flee you like the plague that you are to me.
I don't blame or hate you, I fear how your pain would affect me, I would bleed for you I would be there to take your hand and pull you over the pitfalls so out of you vision, I would pull the thorns out from your torn and ripped body, I would pull your torn remains back together and make you whole and well again,
I would do that and more,
only if ...
shh..sh...
do you hear that ? Just nod if you do .. it's faint I know ... but you could try .. yes .. yes you finally hear it .. the horrid moaning the insistent wrenching sound ... it's noting to fear ... it's you! *chuckles* yes it's you my dear .. just in beast form .. you haven't recognized your self have you ? It's hard at the beginning, hard to believe, and harder yet to admit .. listen to me *gets angry* Listen to me! Don't fear it, don't run away .. for whatever you believe in's sake you cant run if you tired! , haven't you heard or understood anything I said ? It's YOU! You can't runaway from yourself! And don't cringe from me .. you are the danger .. not me, not yet at any rate .. Listen .. i'm trying to help you, against everything I know I am actually doing this ... now stop interrupting and listen, first step is to stare right back at it, don't turn away ... it's you, you can't be afraid of your self, just use that logic for now... it's comforting,
now .. force yourself to the second step, recognition ... identify yourself, beware of that , it is you, true .. but it's not the you you want to be nor the you you should be, it's just the you that is .. you must not fall in love with the beast, only identify it.
Now that you know and identify the beast in you, it's time to admit that you are not fully human, you are half beast also ... all of us are , at the beginning,
you cant talk yet ...don't worry, it wont stay that way, you may not feel it now but you had the entire cavern wall fall on you when you took that last turn ... two of your limbs are torn and shredded ... moderate damage , your last partner, probably? I saw some youngster shrieking away in beast from , headed back towards the labyrinth ... sounds familiar ? .. not very important just this minute, how fortunate are you to be found by me .. me of all the wanderers is yet to be seen, I honestly don't know .. now you need to understand that you are hurt, badly hurt, that makes the beast surface, become in control, the only way to restore you again is to calm down ... I need to use your own strength against your wounds, nothing else would work, so work with me ..agreed?

written on Saterday morning, 5.1.2008

long overdue

sometime in September 2006
Hurt ..
hurt ..
raw throbbing pain,
panic,
the last fragments of the old discipline,
were needed, to not allow that final link to break,
he cannot allow that ,
already too much has been lost, too much anger too much pain,
a sagging shoulder blade is pathetically quivering to rise,
pitiful .. how could it take all what was ever his energy stores just to gather his stray thoughts, only to indicate a status he already knows so well,
he was broken, torn and ripped in so many places that his acute senses could not keep track of where the pain stimuli was emerging from, all was a bloody haze, all signals to his brain were messed up, confused in a manner that was so much unlike the self he knew as his own, it was his worst nightmare, his worst expectation, the unthinkable all rolled into one, and it had happened..
but he was alive, as illogical as that state should have been,
he was still alive ...
faintly aware of that,
dangerously close to loosing what grip he had on what was left of himself,
but against all odds his life has not ended .

note: related to "imprint and a short story"

Imprints and a short story

Why strange?
why not silly
why not Mad
or just a memory of what i once had
to know the truth of it all
and still march down that hall
with a bouquet in hand
while feet wet as i stand
isn't it all the same,
in no way just a silly game
Aphrodite, Athena , all the same
all what ever changes is the name


the imprint, her hand in the sand
to be swept away by the noon tide
is all what mere mortals may demand
of someone whom otherwise would hide

it was what it was, true though
say it but don't believe it

She interrupts him : "but i like to think its good to be this way"
He looked upon her misery, only to repeat himself "say it but don't believe it, Has He Ever Let you Down?"
"never did and never will", flushed she retorts
his eyes softens, shrugs and quietly whispers "Has He ever wanted you to be anything other than that? " and holds her gaze for a heartbeat
and as though he's lecturing "never fear the nature of things, always fear the unnatural" , looks away into the dark, seems to lose interest.
looking ant his scarred cheekbone, she wonders aloud "yes.. i was not like that, i changed and now I'm unnatural, but.. things happen for a reason ,and I'm still figuring it out"
not changing his preferd pose, he smiles softly to the darkness, a tiny tremor noticeable in his scar reveals his determination
"NO, if this is not what you were then this is what you should have been, what ever your story maybe, it is insignificant to the fact that now you are what you are, and that is only what really counts"
closes his eyes, and says in conviction "This i know."
his voice carries through the barren cavern
silence returns to fill the holes of missing conversation
she looks the other way shakes her head and in a tiny voice she asks him, "why do u feel that im kind? what gave it away?"
He Turns his head slowly to her, smiles crookedly while scratching his scar,"i can recognize my opposites"
She says:
"i think i can understand that... but how do you know its not fake"
pauses for a breath "or just a mood swing"
in frustration He says: "i should tell you that you don't know me"
he pauses sighs, hold his head in his clawed hands "i have had many a chance before to see an learn", pause "the hard way" "actually I had too many a chance" but thats a long story that you wont hear any time soon but lets just leave it at that, I Know
Half distracted by her awkward tail, she simply replies "ok"

plainly not comforted by the direction the conversation was going he confesses " a long time ago i used to know someone who used to really get pissed whenever she was ever called kind"
looks at the walls around him, as if the dark basalt would yield to his solemn gaze "she went so far to prove that she wasn't only to lose her self completely in the process"
with the attributed tenderness common to her race, she replies in a understanding tone "i know what u mean"
He shrugs her comment, whispers as if to himself
"during that time i had the chance to see how someone could dismantle himself, rip every piece apart and rebuild herself into Frankenstein ,fractured, mottled and ugly , while hailed by all the dimwits as the epitome of femininity, while from inside she was just a broken festering jumble of flesh that lost shape, and all sense of cohesion"
She says:
so u don't like evil females?
Laughing with a note of hysteria in his voice he chokes on the word "evil?"
in a raised voice with a hint of something far more ancient then understanding, a clear note of menace he retorts "who is not" a heart beat passes while she absorbs his sudden spike of emotion "we all are Evil" he rasps "especially the Fairer sex"
on his contorted face his smirk looks like a death mask, he manages to reign in his emotion, shakes his horned head as if to shake off the thoughts, he quiets down and calmly says "who am i to judge"
She looks at him in silence not knowing what to say to this emotional monster, she ponders the walls around them, searching for anything to distract her from the intensity of his gaze.
melancholy seems to get the better of him, raising himself to his full hight, "i have barely gotten out of the tunnel, still i carry my scares proudly" mistchif twinkles in his intense green eyes "for all the good that is... it's about time we moved, unless you would prefer the company of our jailers ?"